The heart has reasons of which reason cannot know.

I had a dream about him again... one so real that upon waking reality slapped me in the face like a cold bucket of water. Reality is completely different:

He took my heart and coaxed it out of it's shell. Convinced me and it that he was gentle and treasured it. Perhaps he actually did at some point...perhaps not. Either way, after awhile he left it somewhere carelessly. It lingered in a lost and found box among the sweatshirts and solo gloves lost by others. When he became distant, I went searching for it, knowing somewhere in my subconscious tragedy was coming. When I found it, I brought it back to him. Since I had given it to him, it was now his property even if he had neglected it. Maybe he was just busy and it was a one time thing...maybe he was stressed out and couldn't care for my heart momentarily...I had convinced myself for sure that he would eventually take it back and treasure it again though. Then one the last day of us, I found out that he wasn't "mine". It was then he decided to forego his responsibility all together, slamming my heart into the floor like a football player during a touch down. He couldn't abandon my heart and I fast enough.  My already fragmented heart shattered. The pieces so small it was if he had taken a pestle and mortar to them. The pain and agony were so deep and intense that reality ceased to exist for some time. My life fell apart and followed suit. In the silence that ensued a faint cry still drifted from the heart pieces. Longing. Loneliness. Jealousy. Love. All for their destructor. Are you kidding me? And this is where the dreams stem from. No matter how much I know about not wanting him back, my heart can't forget how to love him. Every dream is a self-serving fantasy of the heart. And they are slowly breaking down my mind.

It's been just shy of 5 years since I last posted on this blog. Talk about surreal. I've just spent an hour or so reading through my previous posts and let me tell you: there is a HUUUUUGE difference between 22 year old me and 27 year old me and yet, some things haven't change at all. Much to my dismay -_-

I've been toying with the idea of starting a new blog because I've really hit a very rough patch in life. I think having somewhere to process and digest what I'm discussing in therapy will really be beneficial. Initially, I was going to start a new blog but have you seen how many options there are now days?! And, all blogs seems to think you'll be sharing your thoughts and focusing on certain topics. I just want a place to basically be a journal because I can't write as fast as I think with pen and paper. So, I'm here again. I figure no one really read this thing in the first place, so it's a safe space to digest my new life problems. Yay!

To sum up where I'm at in life at this time, I'm currently one semester away from graduating with my masters degree in Occupational Therapy. I should be graduating in about a month, but due to personal mental health, difficult life circumstances and unattainable demands I am delaying graduation a semester.

Also, I just got out of a very long, serious and apparently incredibly unhealthy 3 year relationship :/ This is where most of my musings will focus I would imagine. My ex feel out of love with me (whatever the hell that means) and also emotionally cheated on me. There are few ways the break up could have been done worse, in my opinion.

Finally, my father is incarcerated and has been for the past 14 months. This is also a very convoluted situation but basically the results are that I'm living at home with my mom to help with household things and looking out for her.

Basically, I've changed. A LOT. And life has been quite a shit show in the last few months. BUT, there are big changes on the horizon (whether I want them or not) so lets see what the future holds together!